Something’s happening and I haven’t been able to explain it fully but I’m going to try here..
Life’s hard, a cliche that’s true and for various reasons along the way I’ve found it challenging. There was even a time when I was wishing it away, wanting to hurry up and get it over with. How bad is that. Life just felt difficult, emotionally, mentally and physically. It all seemed too much and always a battle. 2016 was a battleground for sure and one that ended up with major surgery and losing my colon.
I figured I just had to get on with it, I would adapt to having a bag and pick my life back up where I left it. You know, go back to work, get back in the gym, start dating again, all the usual stuff.
It’s not quite worked out like that I have to confess. I went back to work part time in January but now I’m being made redundant, going back in the gym hasn’t quite panned out yet but I have discovered a love of cycling and I have dated but that’s not going so well.
So i could just continue on seeing life as all a bit of a drag but here’s the thing, the thing that’s happening. I actually have this inexplicable bubble of excitement and a determination in my belly about life and it’s not going away. 10 months post surgery, about to be unemployed for the first time in 30 years and I’m apparently becoming an undatable yet never have I felt more liberated and excited about life. Good isn’t it.
I have some theories on what’s happening so here goes…
Firstly, the big one. I feel well. I go about my day and I feel well. I haven’t felt so well in almost 20 years. There’s a lot to be said for having something that’s slowly killing you removed. Sure, I’m not out of the woods, my body is determined to keep challenging me but fuck it, I feel well. I ache, I’m tired lots but I still feel well because I’m not sick (for the record I never have and never will consider myself as sick). I can walk out of my house without a backward glance. I don’t have a moment of anxiety about where the next bathroom will be. That alone is life changing.
Next is work. I’ve had a stressful senior job for years that I’ve done with pride and a lot of determination. I’ve done good but my time in that role is done, I’m not a part of the next chapter. I don’t know what’s coming next and that’s a bit scary especially as sadly the mortgage doesn’t disappear with the job. But weirdly that’s ok. It’s actually exciting and I’m ready for whatever is next. Perhaps that’s because I have a new perspective on life.
Lastly, let’s talk men. Well, it’s not been great I’m not going to lie. I’m a flake magnet it seems and today I made a decision. I have a date tomorrow with a guy I’ve been chatting to online for a while. I’m not holding my breath based on my previous right swipes! Anyway, the decision is that after tomorrow, whether it’s a great date that has legs or a no go I’m giving up actively looking. I’ve decided it’s time to put my time and energy into living. Simple really. What I do know is that I’m full of life and it’s time to stop wasting it on soulless, superficial so called dating. Of course I hope I do meet someone but I’m not living my life in a waiting room.
So, back to the bubble of excitement. I think perhaps it’s because I feel liberated on so many levels and these are the main reasons why. It feels like there are exciting, as yet unwritten, times ahead and it’s up to me to squeeze the most out of it and that’s exactly what I’m doing.
I think perhaps I’ve managed to explain to myself what’s happening and I really quite like it. I am the same person I always was, I still laugh hysterically under the influence of porn star martinis (pic is evidence) but I’m also very different and for the better. One thing hasn’t changed though, I’m still a wordy girl..🤓