Rowing my own boat

Rejection is a funny old thing and something I’ve become more resilient to. Surprisingly I’ve found rejection has an upside. It can be all too easy to focus on the negative when life knocks you down over and over but I’ve been trying to find the flip side. After all, I can’t change certain circumstances, how someone sees me or treats me but I can change how I behave, the way I live my life, my reactions, thought processes and outlook. That has been something of a revelation and curiously and increasingly empowering and liberating. 

My thoughts right now are focused on the last 18 months because that’s the timeframe in which my life changed overnight. In that time following the onset of illness I had life changing (saving) surgery, was unable to work for a protracted period, had a complete change of lifestyle, insecurity and uncertainty in my career, physical limitations and rejection in more than one relationship.  

That’s not a pity list, it’s the facts. My life is what it is and actually it’s pretty good. It’s good because I’ve decided it is. Others around me look at my life and generally feel appalled or pity. That’s because they see what’s happening in my world and relate it to their own and by comparison it’s awful, unthinkable. It would be easy for me to allow my perception of myself and my life to be informed by that but we row our own boats and what is happening in my life is relative to my life, not yours. I can look at someone else in just the same way and think how awful it would be if I was in their shoes, but I don’t. Why should I?! 

Ok, so what I wouldn’t do to have someone to share my life with and a bit of financial security. But, I don’t spend energy wishing away the difficult things in life because everyone has something, there is no such thing as a perfect life. I’m proud of the life I’m making for myself. Yes, it’s tough, yes I get down sometimes, of course it’s challenging, but find me someone who doesn’t say that about their life. 

Recently someone I was dating, who I really quite liked, said he didn’t want to be with me because my health presented too much of an issue for him. Initially it really knocked me, I was sad as I’d started to imagine that perhaps it might just be something. Then I realized, my health had served as a way of bringing something to a close that would never have worked out anyway. You see, the man that will arrive and stay in my life sees the world through a bigger lens, he sees the person and the spirit and not the bag and all that goes with being Rachel. That dawned on me after feeling wretched and once again the world was round & life was in balance.

Lots of other things are just starting to change around me and I suspect that in just a few months my life will look totally different all over again. All due to external factors that I cannot do anything about except I can. I can control the way I react and manage and the decisions I make in response to these changes. So…exciting times ahead I have decided. Every aspect of my life is up in the air and so I have a chance for reinvention and I’m taking it. Let’s see what I can make of it. Whatever, it will be exciting and positive of that I am sure. 

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