I spend a lot of time alone and for the large part I’m pretty good at it. I like my own space, perhaps a little too much. But sometimes that alone time can creep into lonely without me even realising. Social interaction is vital for us all I guess. For me it certainly is and I’m naturally a very social creature.
I think perhaps the black dog yaps at my ankles every once in a while and certainly more persistently lately. I’ve been returning to work since January (3 months post op) on a phased return and it’s bloody tough going. The last week I booked as leave and I was so looking forward to it. I had plans and it was to be a good week.
Plans…pah. So much for them. I’ve spent most of the week throwing off a cold, dogged with arthritic (I suspect), endometriosis and trapped nerve pain. One of those is enough and combined it becomes somewhat debilitating and I have withdrawn, progress stalled.
In the last couple of days my sister and a close friend have given me a nudge and asked if I was ok. Not everyone gets the silence or understands what it means. I don’t deliberately retreat so it’s good to have loved ones to point it out.
With that in mind, after several days at home, today I woke, my heart racing with inexplicable faceless anxiety and I decided fuck this! I’m not helpless, certainly not a victim and I don’t need rescuing. I’m in charge, I chose to have surgery to survive, in order to live, not just exist.
So, I drove to the coast and walked. The sun was on my face and it felt damn good to walk off my negative head. I had my earphones plugged in and First Aid Kit, My Silver Lining came on. Apart from it being a great tune the lyrics are brilliant and so appropriate for today ‘…there’s no starting over, no new beginnings, time races on. And you’ve just gotta keep on keeping on. Gotta keep on going… can’t worry ’bout what’s behind you or what’s coming for you further up the road. I try not to hold onto what is gone..I try to keep on keeping on..’
Anyway, it turns out I walked almost 5 miles, how about that! Now I ache and it’s good for that’s a well earned ache, just like after a good workout. It’s good to get reacquainted with my fighting spirit.
So, black dog, today you lose. Come back another time if you dare.